When I was in high school I became a father, twice, and regretfully, both times ended with abortion.

In the mid 70’s I met and fell in love with a girl that lived in the same neighborhood. From the very beginning, most our time together was spent alone. This lent itself to too much intimacy and temptation and it was not long before we were sexually active.

The first pregnancy occurred within months. Initially, the pregnancy drew us closer together. We were young and in love and the thought of having a child, even at that young age, seemed to make the bond even stronger…until it came time to tell our parents.

We held off telling our parents for as long as possible. Abortion never entered our minds. As time grew closer to the point where we had to inform them, the pressure became so great that it began tearing us apart and destroying our relationship. Out of fear, I left her, a shameful decision I would live to regret for the rest of my life.

After the break up, we managed to not see each other at school or in the neighborhood. But the day our paths crossed, it was very obvious that she was pregnant. I went up to her, felt her stomach as we talked and I could feel our child moving inside.

The following week I saw her again, only this time she didn’t show. I went to place my hand on her stomach but nothing was there.

Confused, I asked her what had happened, thinking she had already delivered the baby. She shook her head despondently and said that her parents had taken her for a ‘therapeutic’, third trimester abortion. I was crushed and filled with anger and rage. How could anyone have taken the life of our child? I went through stages of anger and denial. My drug and alcohol use skyrocketed. They were the only things that took away my pain.

Four months after the abortion Jen and I managed to avoid seeing each other, but we had a chance encounter and within a few short hours we were alone. The second pregnancy came shortly after we started dating again. We used birth control thinking that we would be safe, but as we now know condoms are not 100 percent effective. Once again, we found ourselves in the same predicament. We were scared, but things were going to be different this time, or so we thought.

This time we were going to do things right – plan ahead, get married, do whatever it took to birth and raise our child. We even went to an organization that was relatively new in the seventies, and whose name gave us the impression that we would learn how to ‘plan’ for our role as parents. How wrong we were.

Naively, we went to our appointment, but instead of receiving information on how to plan and prepare, the only information we received was on abortion. We were shown pictures of what they thought our child would look like at this early stage of development, and told us that it was only a mass of “unformed tissue.”

The nurse went on to explain that we would be better off having an abortion that no one would know about, because having a baby at our age, she said, would be a mistake that would change our lives forever.

Well our lives did change forever. That following week, for $150, we lost a lifetime with our son or daughter – only this time it was by choice, our choice.

When the ‘procedure’ was over we left the clinic and stood together by a cement wall. Jen just cried as we held each other, our hearts turning numb and cold like the cement we were leaning against.

We continued to date for the next year or so, but things were never the same. Our relationship became increasingly unstable and volatile, and eventually it ended with much heartache and bitterness.

Although I can’t speak for Jen, as I have not had contact with her for many years, I can tell you that my life has been deeply affected by the foolish choices we made. How I wish we had never been sexually active. And how I wish we had never gone to Planned Parenthood.

For many years I lived in angry denial. Drugs had taken somewhat of a back seat, but alcohol became my best friend (and worst enemy). I had relationship problems for many years, bouts of depression, and even though I had prayed to receive Christ just before Jen and I split up, deep in my heart, I questioned whether or not God would really forgive me for what we had done.

As time went on I did a good job of covering things up. I entered AA in the early 80’s relapsed a few times, but eventually learned to live life without alcohol or drugs. But every time I looked in the mirror there was a silent reminder of what we had done,

No matter how good I could make myself look on the outside, and no matter how hard I tried turning off the voice in my head, there was always a constant reminder that I had taken the life of my own child. Ultimately, I was responsible for the loss of two. Add to that the reality of bringing much pain to Jen and her family. On the inside, I was hurting.

Things began to change after attending Promise Keepers in 1996 and re-dedicating myself to Jesus Christ shortly thereafter.

It had been several years since I had been to church or pursued a relationship with Christ, but soon after the PK event I found God inviting me back and almost immediately He began restoring my life. Eventually, that included dealing with the abortions.

Through a post abortion recovery program for men (offered at a local pregnancy center) I have learned how to cope with my past. The program taught me that I am not alone, that I don’t have to go through this alone, and that abortion is not the unpardonable sin.

Although I still have moments when I struggle with guilt and remorse, and shame when it comes to the way I treated Jen, I know deep in my heart that God has forgiven me.

Since going through the recovery program I have met many women and men who struggle with abortion decisions they made during a time of crisis. Many of them sit in our churches wondering if God will truly forgive them…when in Christ, He already has.